A Start of 2017

So as everyone says, a brand new start to the new year. Everyone has goals and new resolutions to accomplish. We have all these thoughts of starting new, trying to be a better self than the last and etc.

We also spend time to reflect what we did last year and try not to mimic the bad. The funny thing is I’ve failed in the last three days of the new year. I went to a place I shouldn’t have and repeated the old. So I’m hoping that after those three days, I forget and just move on.

The way I started to recognize that it was a new year was cleaning my room. I think I go through a phase but I threw all the trash I didn’t want from clothes to papers and decor. The room itself looks exactly the same but there seems to be a relief. I’m tempted to throw away the eiffel tower painting I did a few years ago but for now I’ll keep it.

I dedicated a box of all the traveling things I had ie ticket stubs, plane tickets, maps, etc. But the one thing that’s in this box that really should be thrown is a cake box that I can’t let myself throw.

So what are your resolutions? What do you want to accomplish? Regardless of what your wishes are, I wish you happiness. I wish that what you want, you’ll receive.

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Love Relationships

It’s funny to me how we all have different perspectives when it comes to being in a relationship. There are many times when I could argue about it and not understand from the other person’s perspective.

I say this because my sister and I have always had different views when being with someone. One person thinks with their heart and the other one is pretty logically and everything needs to be mapped out. Yet at the end, the perfect balance is combining both but it’s just an idea.

When you fall, you fall with emotion and I thought love wasn’t suppose to make sense. You have these feelings that come within making your world foggy without any explanation. You get that tingling feeling and wanting. You smile at the stupidest things but it makes you happy. When you don’t hear or see from them, your world feels like a grey cloud over you. These feelings are essentially mood swings from time to time.

However I guess the other side says, you fall but with your mind still grounded to realism. You think logically and you spend equal time amongst one another. You still communicate, but the picture isn’t suppose to blurry. You’re suppose to know with assurance that the future is bright and every path you take leads up to it.

Then again, maybe she’s right because out of the both of us, I fall the hardest and break the fastest.

The Four of Us

I’m sitting at the same cafe again supposedly studying however nothing is being retained.

Instead currently, I’m ease dropping on a conversation amongst four girls. It’s funny in a sense that there’s one that’s so outspoken and has the belief that she’s right. Her tone makes it sound like she knows everything in life and how it’s suppose to work. That we’re suppose to walk a specific path in order to get us to the right direction. There’s another girl, who reminds me of me. The girl who stresses out on lots of things and tries to defend her logic on what’s happening around her.

As I see them talk, they remind me of my two groups of friends. They remind me of our talks. They remind me of our sharing of food, our laughs but also the focus they have when talking amongst each other. Surprisingly, these ladies all have their phones off to one side and they just talk and talk.

It’s definitely been a long friendship between my two groups of friends. And let us continue to accumulate those years.

3 Words I Didn’t Think I Would Hear

In fairness, I want Rennie happy but for me to hear the words “I love you” again to her with her boyfriend, it hurt. I’m definitely happy for her and I hope it works out. I finally got to meet him this week, and he seems like a great guy. He’s pretty cute and he’s exceptionally well with my parents. I guess you do have to make a first impression. But I’m still not emotionally ready for any of it.

I wonder when my attitude towards relationships will change. Which is why I’m running and running and honestly getting no where. I wrote my last note to the guy I always wanted to be close to and I believe that will be the end. I learned one thing is that when I told myself that I’m unbreakable, I needed to start somewhere. I had to be honest and write which is what I did. I knew I wouldn’t get a favourable response back but I did it regardless.

Now I’m deciding to go away for a long time. But sometimes life just pushes you with something unexpected. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to work in the top advertising agencies in the world. That was my first wish when I landed my first job after graduation and from there I thought that the advertising industry was amazing. So many years, I’ve tried applying and lately in these few months when I decided one thing, these ad agencies come along with so many job postings specifically accounting related. My mind is trying to figure out the opportunity cost of it all.

And now my other parent is back, which makes me want to move out. So exactly what am I suppose to do? Where do I want to go? With this Asian mind  set, we fear the unknown. Yet I’m trying to tell myself that I’ve gotten this far, so maybe I should just take a greater leap and see if I dive to something that becomes more favourable in life.

Tingling Feeling

I have less than two weeks before I turn a year older and how I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve had this discussion with a few people, the fact that you wish by now, you would have wanted everything you wished for. By now, you would have figured out life and what makes you long term happy.

Sure, in the last few years I’ve definitely gone outside my comfort zone. I’ve done some things I can’t say I’m proud of but neither have I lost anything besides my emotions.

I got to say I travelled to two cities in Europe on my own. I got to bounce around jobs and manage to spend almost every Friday drinking wine. I learned what I like in a job and it’s not just about money. I was able to see a really long time friend in Japan and somehow manage to keep in touch. I got to go to Hong Kong and see my grandma who I haven’t seen in 10 years. I managed to have a few smokes and learn that there’s no real appeal besides just doing it as a social thing. I learned I’m never lending out money again to people regardless of how much bullshit they tell. My very first road trip with some friends to Montreal and got to see the sun rise at Mont Royal. I got a hot stone massage from Sutherland Chan with a friend and it was first real massage. I was lucky to pick up a good luck wish in a temple in Tokyo. I finally purchased a car after all the bullshit I had to go through. And I think the most surprising thing which all of you know is getting a tattoo.

So I’ve done a lot but here I am still unsatisfied. Because the one thing I want the most, I still haven’t received.  So here starts off as to why I chose the title for this entry.

I know it’s not fair but because I know I won’t get the answer that I want from a certain individual, I needed to distract or suppress my feelings. I honestly haven’t figured out whether I want him as a friend or something more. I know I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want him out of my life again. But at the same time, I can’t keep holding on to a friendship I feel that is going no where.

So I started to go on Tinder again. I hate this process of swiping left or right. In honesty, I’ve swiped a lot of lefts. I know, you’re not suppose to judge a book by it’s cover right? But those photos are what makes or breaks you. There have been a few matches, except no guy has the guts to message the girl. What happened to chivalry? If I start a conversation, I feel like it goes no where. Finally, I got a guy message me. The one thing I liked about him was that he liked talking on the phone more than messaging. I felt like it went well, and we talked/messaged each other 3-4 days non-stop. I finally got to meet him yesterday, the first official meet. He was cute, and I wish I could stop being so vulnerable because I liked him. Yet that’s when things changed. You realize he just wants to be friends with benefits. Essentially no strings attached, an agreement and remember to not fall for him.

The moment he messages, my spirits feel high but now knowing what he wants, I sometimes feel like I’m going to continue to stay single forever. It’s disappointing because regardless of how beautiful someone thinks you are, I think it’s hard to just connect.

Now I feel like I’m sinking. The joys of Tinder, to always cry out for the fact that it seems impossible to get a match.

 

Judgement

A lot of things have crossed my mind after the actions that I’ve done.

I’ve received various comments, a lot more negatives then positives. A lot of people commenting on if I really wanted to get one done.

I’m not in talking terms with a friend of mine. For the longest time, I’ve always cared about what others think of me. For the longest time, I wanted to break out of it but here I am stuck. To hear comments saying that it’s permanent and you are totally bad. To be portrayed as an individual who has no idea where to go but fighting through the bushes.

I have to admit I judged so hard. If I didn’t know this friend, I don’t think I would ever have the appeal for tattoos. Neither would I understand why you would want something on you permanently. Yet because of him, I was able to understand and learn to accept. But here I am, now taking on that position and being judged.

Why do I care so much? Because when someone tells me to live, my question is who am I living for? I know the answer should be “myself” but within the last few years of trying to please myself and be someone I didn’t think  I could be, I still hold that grudge of hate and resentment. I hold that question of “what if”.  I said I’m always stuck on that same page, and no one can help pull me out. Instead, I feel like I’m being criticized for what I did or what I wanted to do. I’m  yelled at for my own thinking.

I feel like I’m falling again when I should be soaring like the raven on me. How do I pull myself out?

You’re right. No one understands me.