I have less than two weeks before I turn a year older and how I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve had this discussion with a few people, the fact that you wish by now, you would have wanted everything you wished for. By now, you would have figured out life and what makes you long term happy.
Sure, in the last few years I’ve definitely gone outside my comfort zone. I’ve done some things I can’t say I’m proud of but neither have I lost anything besides my emotions.
I got to say I travelled to two cities in Europe on my own. I got to bounce around jobs and manage to spend almost every Friday drinking wine. I learned what I like in a job and it’s not just about money. I was able to see a really long time friend in Japan and somehow manage to keep in touch. I got to go to Hong Kong and see my grandma who I haven’t seen in 10 years. I managed to have a few smokes and learn that there’s no real appeal besides just doing it as a social thing. I learned I’m never lending out money again to people regardless of how much bullshit they tell. My very first road trip with some friends to Montreal and got to see the sun rise at Mont Royal. I got a hot stone massage from Sutherland Chan with a friend and it was first real massage. I was lucky to pick up a good luck wish in a temple in Tokyo. I finally purchased a car after all the bullshit I had to go through. And I think the most surprising thing which all of you know is getting a tattoo.
So I’ve done a lot but here I am still unsatisfied. Because the one thing I want the most, I still haven’t received. So here starts off as to why I chose the title for this entry.
I know it’s not fair but because I know I won’t get the answer that I want from a certain individual, I needed to distract or suppress my feelings. I honestly haven’t figured out whether I want him as a friend or something more. I know I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want him out of my life again. But at the same time, I can’t keep holding on to a friendship I feel that is going no where.
So I started to go on Tinder again. I hate this process of swiping left or right. In honesty, I’ve swiped a lot of lefts. I know, you’re not suppose to judge a book by it’s cover right? But those photos are what makes or breaks you. There have been a few matches, except no guy has the guts to message the girl. What happened to chivalry? If I start a conversation, I feel like it goes no where. Finally, I got a guy message me. The one thing I liked about him was that he liked talking on the phone more than messaging. I felt like it went well, and we talked/messaged each other 3-4 days non-stop. I finally got to meet him yesterday, the first official meet. He was cute, and I wish I could stop being so vulnerable because I liked him. Yet that’s when things changed. You realize he just wants to be friends with benefits. Essentially no strings attached, an agreement and remember to not fall for him.
The moment he messages, my spirits feel high but now knowing what he wants, I sometimes feel like I’m going to continue to stay single forever. It’s disappointing because regardless of how beautiful someone thinks you are, I think it’s hard to just connect.
Now I feel like I’m sinking. The joys of Tinder, to always cry out for the fact that it seems impossible to get a match.