3 Words I Didn’t Think I Would Hear

In fairness, I want Rennie happy but for me to hear the words “I love you” again to her with her boyfriend, it hurt. I’m definitely happy for her and I hope it works out. I finally got to meet him this week, and he seems like a great guy. He’s pretty cute and he’s exceptionally well with my parents. I guess you do have to make a first impression. But I’m still not emotionally ready for any of it.

I wonder when my attitude towards relationships will change. Which is why I’m running and running and honestly getting no where. I wrote my last note to the guy I always wanted to be close to and I believe that will be the end. I learned one thing is that when I told myself that I’m unbreakable, I needed to start somewhere. I had to be honest and write which is what I did. I knew I wouldn’t get a favourable response back but I did it regardless.

Now I’m deciding to go away for a long time. But sometimes life just pushes you with something unexpected. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to work in the top advertising agencies in the world. That was my first wish when I landed my first job after graduation and from there I thought that the advertising industry was amazing. So many years, I’ve tried applying and lately in these few months when I decided one thing, these ad agencies come along with so many job postings specifically accounting related. My mind is trying to figure out the opportunity cost of it all.

And now my other parent is back, which makes me want to move out. So exactly what am I suppose to do? Where do I want to go? With this Asian mind  set, we fear the unknown. Yet I’m trying to tell myself that I’ve gotten this far, so maybe I should just take a greater leap and see if I dive to something that becomes more favourable in life.

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Judgement

A lot of things have crossed my mind after the actions that I’ve done.

I’ve received various comments, a lot more negatives then positives. A lot of people commenting on if I really wanted to get one done.

I’m not in talking terms with a friend of mine. For the longest time, I’ve always cared about what others think of me. For the longest time, I wanted to break out of it but here I am stuck. To hear comments saying that it’s permanent and you are totally bad. To be portrayed as an individual who has no idea where to go but fighting through the bushes.

I have to admit I judged so hard. If I didn’t know this friend, I don’t think I would ever have the appeal for tattoos. Neither would I understand why you would want something on you permanently. Yet because of him, I was able to understand and learn to accept. But here I am, now taking on that position and being judged.

Why do I care so much? Because when someone tells me to live, my question is who am I living for? I know the answer should be “myself” but within the last few years of trying to please myself and be someone I didn’t think  I could be, I still hold that grudge of hate and resentment. I hold that question of “what if”.  I said I’m always stuck on that same page, and no one can help pull me out. Instead, I feel like I’m being criticized for what I did or what I wanted to do. I’m  yelled at for my own thinking.

I feel like I’m falling again when I should be soaring like the raven on me. How do I pull myself out?

You’re right. No one understands me.

Permanent Black Ink

I can’t say this was on my list to do. Neither can I say that anyone would imagine me getting somethings that just seem out of the norm.

I still remember my ex telling me that his coworkers thought I looked so innocent. He looked like the play boy and I was just a nice girl. Now he’s married and I’m the complete opposite. How people’s perceptions are weird.

So here I am telling you that I got something that I never thought I would have wanted in my lifetime. A tattoo. Ink that is permanently on your skin, a story or perhaps just art on your body.

For the whole week leading up to the tattoo appointment, I never really thought about it. I guess I could say I didn’t have time but it never occurred to me. I just wanted the moral support but at the same time I wanted to see if I was strong enough to handle pain. Every second, minute, hour that passed I wasn’t scared. Yet the moment my artist put the sketch on my back, it hit me that I was doing this for real. That it was permanent and it would always be a part of me. I was shaking like a leaf inside. In my mind, I only wanted one person to support me but that person wasn’t there.

The needle hurt, I’m not so sure why people say it’s like a cat scratching you. It wasn’t like anything I could imagine. The artist’s hand kept going and going. Wiping away the ink, blood and sweat. I can’t say that the adrenaline kicked in to keep me going. It was my mindset that wanted to push through and the constant music piercing in my ear. The fact that the needle just kept dancing and leaping for moments to go back and touch the skin. It was hard to endure but it feels accomplishing at the same time.

So here’s my story and when I die, you’ll know how I feel and the thoughts I had in this lifetime.

Untouchable

This title came from WongFu’s video that they posted a few days ago.

Every time I watch their videos, they inspire me and I wish I could do something about it or branch out. A lot of the stories relate just because it deals with heart aches, finding happiness and so on.

So here is the one line that stuck with me when I watched this video.

“You’ve been stuck on this one page this whole time, no story won’t happen if you won’t turn the page…. The rest of the world is going to finish reading the book and start reading new ones, and you’ll be stuck here reading the same page.”

And so it’s true. I’ve been reading the same page over and over again. Time keeps passing and yet my thoughts and memories all go to one subject.

As to whether anything will happen, I can’t give an answer but it definitely struck me.

Patience

It always seems like time is not on your side however it seems like my fortune I pulled out from Japan was correct.

I received an offer and now I’m just waiting. I question myself what I want and what I’ve become. I’ve learned to become greedy perhaps because I have one offer and one interview, what do you take?

Expectations

It’s been roughly a month since I’ve been on this blog.

What can I say, life has taken a turn. There’s always that phrase where life is like a rollercoaster or a game. There’s many ups and downs in life. I don’t believe I’ve sunk to the bottom and crashed.

I’ve learned one thing. I have expectations that need to be met. I’m sure that it’s no surprise that everyone has expectations but it took awhile and a long while to realize that. There were things that I’ve said to people which I said but never really thought it was a criterion. Now for the past three weeks I’ve learned I have an expectation of myself. We always say or ask ourselves what makes us happy yet that’s a part of it. I can relate only due to the amount of alcohol consumption I’ve had in the last few weeks has increased severely.

Regardless that’s when you make changes. I’ve taken another turn and can I say it’s not exactly something I’m proud of. I’ve learned that there’s a lot of blimps in my life. I hope that this time it will work out. I also hope that I will last.

My expectation has always been about growing and climbing up the mountain. So let’s just keep climbing and hopefully reaching the destination that we want to go.

Impatience

Impatience

Today as I was walking to work, I realized how impatient one can be. At first, I thought why can’t people wait for the traffic light to turn red in order to cross the road. You could spend that time, looking at the sky, buildings or just your surroundings. Enjoy the moment while it lasts before mayhem hits. There were so many people crossing the streets and clearly it was an advanced green for the cars to turn left, yet people were impatient that they would rather be hit by a car. Honestly a minute isn’t going to kill you is it?

Yet as I was arguing with my mom, I realized I’m impatient. I realize that I want to leave. I took a job, believing that company culture, compensation was good. How can anyone say no to it after being at a toxic environment for so long. Except here I am, being impatient and wanting to leave. We all want personal happiness. We think short term and want that satisfaction to be fulfilled. So I’m wondering if I can swallow it and wait or hope another opportunity will come it’s way.