Permanent Black Ink

I can’t say this was on my list to do. Neither can I say that anyone would imagine me getting somethings that just seem out of the norm.

I still remember my ex telling me that his coworkers thought I looked so innocent. He looked like the play boy and I was just a nice girl. Now he’s married and I’m the complete opposite. How people’s perceptions are weird.

So here I am telling you that I got something that I never thought I would have wanted in my lifetime. A tattoo. Ink that is permanently on your skin, a story or perhaps just art on your body.

For the whole week leading up to the tattoo appointment, I never really thought about it. I guess I could say I didn’t have time but it never occurred to me. I just wanted the moral support but at the same time I wanted to see if I was strong enough to handle pain. Every second, minute, hour that passed I wasn’t scared. Yet the moment my artist put the sketch on my back, it hit me that I was doing this for real. That it was permanent and it would always be a part of me. I was shaking like a leaf inside. In my mind, I only wanted one person to support me but that person wasn’t there.

The needle hurt, I’m not so sure why people say it’s like a cat scratching you. It wasn’t like anything I could imagine. The artist’s hand kept going and going. Wiping away the ink, blood and sweat. I can’t say that the adrenaline kicked in to keep me going. It was my mindset that wanted to push through and the constant music piercing in my ear. The fact that the needle just kept dancing and leaping for moments to go back and touch the skin. It was hard to endure but it feels accomplishing at the same time.

So here’s my story and when I die, you’ll know how I feel and the thoughts I had in this lifetime.

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Untouchable

This title came from WongFu’s video that they posted a few days ago.

Every time I watch their videos, they inspire me and I wish I could do something about it or branch out. A lot of the stories relate just because it deals with heart aches, finding happiness and so on.

So here is the one line that stuck with me when I watched this video.

“You’ve been stuck on this one page this whole time, no story won’t happen if you won’t turn the page…. The rest of the world is going to finish reading the book and start reading new ones, and you’ll be stuck here reading the same page.”

And so it’s true. I’ve been reading the same page over and over again. Time keeps passing and yet my thoughts and memories all go to one subject.

As to whether anything will happen, I can’t give an answer but it definitely struck me.

Patience

It always seems like time is not on your side however it seems like my fortune I pulled out from Japan was correct.

I received an offer and now I’m just waiting. I question myself what I want and what I’ve become. I’ve learned to become greedy perhaps because I have one offer and one interview, what do you take?

Expectations

It’s been roughly a month since I’ve been on this blog.

What can I say, life has taken a turn. There’s always that phrase where life is like a rollercoaster or a game. There’s many ups and downs in life. I don’t believe I’ve sunk to the bottom and crashed.

I’ve learned one thing. I have expectations that need to be met. I’m sure that it’s no surprise that everyone has expectations but it took awhile and a long while to realize that. There were things that I’ve said to people which I said but never really thought it was a criterion. Now for the past three weeks I’ve learned I have an expectation of myself. We always say or ask ourselves what makes us happy yet that’s a part of it. I can relate only due to the amount of alcohol consumption I’ve had in the last few weeks has increased severely.

Regardless that’s when you make changes. I’ve taken another turn and can I say it’s not exactly something I’m proud of. I’ve learned that there’s a lot of blimps in my life. I hope that this time it will work out. I also hope that I will last.

My expectation has always been about growing and climbing up the mountain. So let’s just keep climbing and hopefully reaching the destination that we want to go.

Impatience

Impatience

Today as I was walking to work, I realized how impatient one can be. At first, I thought why can’t people wait for the traffic light to turn red in order to cross the road. You could spend that time, looking at the sky, buildings or just your surroundings. Enjoy the moment while it lasts before mayhem hits. There were so many people crossing the streets and clearly it was an advanced green for the cars to turn left, yet people were impatient that they would rather be hit by a car. Honestly a minute isn’t going to kill you is it?

Yet as I was arguing with my mom, I realized I’m impatient. I realize that I want to leave. I took a job, believing that company culture, compensation was good. How can anyone say no to it after being at a toxic environment for so long. Except here I am, being impatient and wanting to leave. We all want personal happiness. We think short term and want that satisfaction to be fulfilled. So I’m wondering if I can swallow it and wait or hope another opportunity will come it’s way.

No Contact

A few days of no contact. You wonder why it’s suppose to be the way it is. I keep playing the words over and over again but I’ve gotten no where. How does one respond to that?

My trip to Hong Kong. It was amazing besides the heat. In honesty, I’m glad to be in Canada. The one place worth while was seeing the lights at Victoria Harbour. If you ever have a chance to go, just stay there at night and watch the lights. If you haven’t noticed, I love lights. It reminded me of when I was on top of the Eiffel Tower and I watched the afternoon turn into the sunset and then the moon rose. It’s worth seeing the lights dance around. The movement of lines, the dancing and display of lights. The peaceful sound of the waters, and people chirping around talking about their life. It’s a scene that is worth watching and staying.

My grandma lives in a village in the New Territories. When you enter the village, you wonder how people live here on a day to day basis. It’s a remote section, that is worth exploring and getting lost. It brings back deja vu, when I was in HK 10 years ago, I used to run around the alley ways with my sister. There were stairs, drains, plants in ceramic pots and lots of clothes hanging outside getting air dried. The times when you were young and you didn’t care. Playing with stray cats and crying how much the mosquito bites were itchy and swollen. The village people must have changed in the amount of time that I haven’t been there. But the one thing that hasn’t changed is my grandma’s house. From when I was 4 years old til now, the layout has been the same. It’s walking into a moment that never changes. It brings back memories of being able to play cards with grandma in the small foldable table. Her wicker chair is still there. Her spot for the cigarettes are still in the same place. It’s unbelievable in a sense that we’ve advanced so much with different gadgets in our life and yet in my grandma’s house, the one thing that is new is a phone.

Drenched

I thought this subject title would be strange except I’m listening to a song that has a title like that.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote what’s on my mind. First off, I’m back! Lol, the two weeks in Asia is plenty. I have my moments where I care about it and then I’m also happy to be back in Canada. Sometimes you have to outweigh the pros and cons.

I had many instances where I wanted to write my thoughts of Asia but then I ended up stopping. So I guess I can start now and just go with what my mind wants to tell right now.

I took China Eastern Airlines to fly over to Hong Kong. There was suppose to be a layover in Shanghai. The flight was delayed for 3 hours so I sat in Pearson airport being bored. I remember walking back and forth in the hallway and just constantly going to Starbucks to get a drink. I wasn’t impressed, and I knew the flight to Shanghai would just take forever. Not to get into the technicals, yes I’m Chinese however I got judged constantly that I didn’t know Mandarin. I didn’t understand what the flight attendants wanted and they would give you a glare that you didn’t understand Mandarin. I’ve always felt so out of place and always not so sure where I’m suppose to fit in the spectrum of the Asian circle but honestly don’t judge me because I can’t speak the language.

My impression of landing the first time in Pudong Shanghai Airport. It was rainy and dark, it fitted my mood of how I felt about the airlines. If there is one thing you should know, I love the lights. So regardless of the thunderous rain, I was staring out of the window just looking at the ramp lights and how the plane circled around in order to find a place to park. The thing about lights is usually it’s always calming and provides a sense of comfort. I enjoyed looking at the rainbow effect of lights, it felt like Christmas lights actually. Regardless, I had a few minutes that I thought it wouldn’t be so bad. However after that, there were no gates for the plane to load us, so the plane parked in the middle of the runway and the shuttle bus decided to park itself in the middle of a giant swamp. My feet were soaked as I was wearing flats and it was cold and wet. It was 10pm when we arrived to Shanghai, and we already missed our connecting flight to Hong Kong. You would think the airline company would provide us with the closest hotel to sleep but instead they had to arrange everyone for 1 hr and then seat us in a bus which took another hour. The ride to the hotel was 45 minutes away from the airport, so as you can probably do the math, we arrived at the hotel at 12:45am. The bus decided to park in the middle of a swamp where we had to drag our luggage out from the bus, so my bags were soaked as well.

At the end of it, I finally arrived to Hong Kong but honestly I would never take this airline again. It’s not worth it even if the price was cheap. The agency doesn’t know what they’re doing and they’re so inefficient and not customer friendly.

I’m going to end my thought of my trip to Asia for now.

I said in my last post that someone came back. For the past few weeks, I’ve done what I used to do in the past. There’s hate and resentment but love which I’ll never understand. This is why I keep listening to this song over and over again. At the end of it, I know I’ll have to let go. I just don’t want to be hurt again.